In the Belly of the Beast

On Wednesday, November 6th I started my journey early, getting up at 4:30AM to make a 7AM flight to the pit of hell - Florida.

I had planned to visit my father in early October, but Helene, and then Milton threw me a curve ball. I rescheduled, looking at flights and costs - not connecting the dots with the dates. I was traveling to the heart of Trump country to visit my Trump loving father the day after the election. When I realized, I figured whatever the outcome of the election I would be screwed with an uncomfortable trip. In the end, as y'all know - I, we, were/are/will continue to be, truly fucked.

#samegirlsame

To say that my feelings around my visit were "complicated" would be an understatement. Here I was, visiting the person who loves me the most, loves my wife, and is so supportive of my health and happiness. That's the most hurtful part - that people who say they love you are ready and willing to sell your rights (in some cases even to exist) for what?? Cheaper eggs? A higher return on investment on their 401K?

Somehow, I managed to bottle up my anxiety, for five days. On the fifth day, I SNAPPED. Out came the tears, the rage, the disappointment and disgust.

A snap is often understood as a sudden break or a quick movement. Snap can be used to refer to a sharp sound. You might hear the sound of a twig snapping. You might not have noticed the twig before, not noticed the pressure on the twig, how it was bent. When it snaps, it catches your attention. You might hear the snap as the start of something. A snap is only the start of something because of what you did not notice, the pressure on the twig. (Ahmed, 2023, p.31)

While snapping often happens in the heat of a moment, like it did for me with my dad, it carries the cumulative rage of a million moments in history when we have been dismissed, overlooked, and otherwise have had our lived experiences invalidated. America's neoliberal obsession with individualism - the "I got mine, you get yours" mentality - has left us (really, white/cisgender/heterosexuals) devoid of empathy. If you haven't experienced for yourself, it simply does not, cannot exist.

My dad's response to my snap? Dismissal. Minimization. I was "crazy;" Trump doesn't hate "gays;" I have a "good life;" Nothing is going to change; Things can change, everything changes, if things get bad, they get voted out. In a democracy, yes. With a "fucking insane, fucking convict" as president - as my brother put it - who knows.

Ahmed equates snapping with snapping a bond with those who cannot, or refuse to, see how their actions contribute to and sustain systems that oppress large groups of people. don't see the violence, the racism, the sexism, and therefore don't see us as fully embodied people. Through the snap, we learn about the conditions of the bonds we may have been so keen on protecting. They require us to keep quiet, stay seated, and pretend not to notice.

When a bond requires overlooking violence, overlooking racism, overlooking ourselves, even, we might need to snap the bond. Perhaps that is what a killjoy is doing or saying: she is showing that she is unwilling to meet the conditions for being with others. (Ahmed, 2023, p. 33)

I'm all in for not meeting the conditions for being with others. But when that other is my father? That's a complicated decision I can't say I am willing to make right now. And, I am also not willing to stay silent. In the shadows of November 5th, and even before, I haven't been the best killjoy, disregarding several of the killjoy truths, commitments, maxims, and equations.

Killjoy Truth: To expose a problem is to pose a problem.

Yet often, I smooth over problems to make others comfortable. I'm a big problem in the Ladies' Room. Truth - I am not the problem; the socialization of the gender binary and how women and men should look is. If institutions don't want trouble in the Ladies' Room, then blow them up! Or, keep them, the mens' room, and, mandate equal access to all gender restrooms. Instead, I pretend to cough so I can cover my mouth, which hides my scraggily white chin whiskers, and use a higher pitch to better fit in. I become a caricature of gender.

Killjoy Commitment: I am willing to cause unhappiness.

Oh what I am willing to give up - my social justice values - for the sake of keeping the peace at home, in the workplace, really wherever. Being a feminist killjoy requires going out on a limb - truly, contributing to the pressure to cause the snap. Keeping the peace requires going with the flow, not rocking the boat, exchanging our killjoy hammer of noticing for blinders that allow us to not see the injustices and violence. When we fail to notice, we fail to observe the Killjoy Truths:

• If happiness requires turning away from violence, happiness is violence

AND

• Silence about violence is violence.

Social media is awash with postings on how to navigate the holidays with Trump voters at your table. Posts vacillate between the extremes - celebrating/encouraging table flipping arguments:

Or avoiding conflict through vapid/inane conversation:

Wherever you fall on the spectrum - whether you are talking about potatoes or flipping tables in rage - rest assured that you are doing the right thing.

Killjoy Truth: There is only so much you can take on because there is only so much you can take in.

The SNAP is not based on one dinner table/holiday conversation or one family relationship. It is the cumulation of all the struggle and work you have done and will continue to do for liberation and freedom. You have, and will:

...keep making the same points to put pressure on something, an argument or justification, until it snaps, until it no longer holds, no longer works. Maybe something will snap later, after we are done, after we have gone. If so, then we are part of a snap, how something stops working. (Ahmed, 2023, p. 233).

Sara Ahmed and her Feminist Killjoy do give us a few things we can do if we are seeking that middle ground between flipping the table and contemplating a side dish:

Killjoy Maxim: When it is funny, do not laugh!

Laughing at a racist, sexist, trans/homophobic joke is participating. It designates you a compatriot, an accomplice, even if your laughter is a nervous reaction or done to keep the peace. Removing your endorsement of these kinds of behaviors is a powerful, albeit quiet, form of resistance.

Killjoy Equation: Rolling Eyes = Feminist Pedagogy

The eye roll is our rallying cry!! It is a quiet way of recognizing other killjoys, as there will likely be another of us in the room. When we recognize each other we build coalitions. When we work together and support each other, we will win.